is your mom at the bar?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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