Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
