I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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