dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
