My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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