I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
