I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
