Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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