I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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