Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
