a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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