I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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