I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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