I feel like I'm in dance class right now
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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