so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
