If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
