I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
