You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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