i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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