I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
