dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
