Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
