sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
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So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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