Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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