I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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