Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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