My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
