I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just forgot I was standing up.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
