new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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