you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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