i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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