hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
be right there i have to get my cape
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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