I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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