I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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