Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
