I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
