Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
