What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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