Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
