Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
