Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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