i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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