I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
