I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
