Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
