Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
