Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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