So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
