Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When did angry sex become our thing?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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