Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
