I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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