gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
