She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
