I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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