If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
