I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
